10 Things Matthew Hussey Isn’t Telling You About How to Find Love
I really like Matthew Hussey, the dating and relationship guru, and go-to for single women and men seeking relationship advice. He offers sound advice and does it in a kind and compassionate way. But I have some issues with Matthew’s advice; he’s a man giving advice to women. By default, he has a blind spot.
I’ve spent a lot of time with men. I was a tomboy growing up, and many of my friends were male and still are. I enjoy the company of men. I like how they think and dislike drama and social games, which is often the downside of female friendships. I have also dated a lot of men. A lot! All different types of men; older men, younger men, straight guys, bisexual guys, in-the-closet gay men, hippies, businessmen, divorced dads, virgins, white guys, men of color, and men from various cultural backgrounds, punks, musicians, athletes, military men, you name it. I’ve had the time and experience to observe men and develop insight into how they operate. Of course, like all humans, I understand we are much more complex than what meets our eyes and our gender roles.
I am not what I would consider classically pretty. I have sharp features and a cutting gaze that some men find intimidating. But for some reason, I have no problems attracting men. It could be because I know what I want. I’m also unfazed by rejection. I used to be.
Make peace with rejection. Learn how to see the deeper picture through observation, and you will understand. People will meet you where you are in life. I see dating as an adventure or a personal journey of exploration, not an end goal to marriage or a long-term commitment. Find confidence in who you are and where you are going. The right individuals will show up when you are ready. Advice I am sure Matthew Hussey has given.
Here are ten things Matthew Hussey isn’t telling you about how to find love from a woman’s perspective:
- It’s Not You, It’s Them
Some guys are just not for you. You might meet someone and be attracted to traits that set you on fire at first, but chances are they are not interested because they are not the right person for you. If you take the time to observe someone’s behaviors, interests, and lifestyle, you will understand what I am saying. Some guys will seem like the right fit but look closely and listen to the things they say. I guarantee you, there is something about that person that doesn’t line up with what you are looking for, be it lifestyle choices, values, or even intellect. That’s the truth. Some individuals don’t match our IQ level. Different levels of intelligence can pose a problem when communicating and connecting.
2. Stay in Your League
Seek out relationships with individuals that match your growth. You might have an idea of what you want and who your dream guy is, but does your lifestyle choices and life perspective reflect that? A guy who goes to the gym all the time and cares about nutrition might not be that interested in a woman who doesn’t take care of her body and drinks wine every night. The reality is some people are not in your league, or there is a lifestyle mismatch.
Spend time with someone who shares similar interests, values, and a lifestyle that matches your lifestyle. Perhaps being attracted to someone in another league is a sign you need to focus on personal development. In this case, pursue a relationship with yourself and get busy doing the work to join the league you desire.
3. Take Care of You First
Work on your own self-development before seeking a relationship; this is more important than you might think. Set goals, develop your interests and hobbies, meet new people, and try new things you’ve always been curious about. Make your life full and complete and you will attract the right people. Things are not going to work out if you’re looking to fill a void. And once you do find a good match, continue taking care of you!
4. Don’t Sweat It.
Don’t sweat the guy who isn’t interested, stops texting you, or drops off the map. He’s not for you. Any guy that is that interested will stick around, if you want him to. You call the shots in your life. Move on and focus on yourself and the people that are already in your life. Developing relationships you already have in your life is a great way to better understand yourself and others. Remember: It’s not you, it’s them. Put your energy where it is needed.
5. Know Your Worth.
Some guys are not worthy of you. I don’t care how hot, funny, or smart you think he is. If he can’t give you his time, he’s not worthy of you. Let go of the notion that you must have someone based on what you see on the surface. Humans are complex, and chances are that guy has stuff he needs to work through. Maybe he is not in your league.
6. Prioritize.
Decide what is most important to you. Make those things a priority, whether it is family, career, financial stability, a need for adventure or ongoing personal development, etc. Those things are your values. Walk into relationships knowing your values. There is nothing more painful in the long run than being in a relationship with someone who does not share your values. I learned this the hard way. It is integral to your well-being in a relationship.
7. It’s Okay to Be Innocently Obsessed With A Guy
It’s okay to be obsessed with a guy if you are not acting creepy. You are allowed to desire others, even if they don’t return the affection. I honestly believe we are attracted to people because they reflect something back to us that we have within ourselves. Often, we pine for others because we desperately want to fulfill something in ourselves, whether it be lifestyle choices or a level of confidence we want to exude. Try writing about that guy you want or allow yourself to fantasize about him but be careful how you choose to divulge those feelings to the one you admire. Remember that feelings can be fleeting and, in the end, if you fall too hard, you will only end up hurt. Obsession blocks your ability to build an honest connection with another individual. It’s best to keep it real and see the forest for the trees, but don’t ignore your intuition.
Women tend to have a deep intuitive nature. They know when they come across someone that sparks a fire inside them. I think at times men don’t understand that and see it as a red flag. Use it as a guide to improve your well-being and understand your needs better. Ask for what you want but do it honestly and with integrity. And remember, sometimes the guy you admire doesn’t know his worth. It could be why he’s running in the other direction. Let him run. He’ll come back if it’s meant to be.
8. Don’t Be Fooled by Status and Looks
I’ve dated and befriended many different guys. Looks and material success are not indicators of a worthy relationship. Sometimes a guy who perceives himself to be a certain way limits his personal growth and character development simply by believing he must maintain the status quo. I have also met many attractive guys who are deeply insecure and cover it up with material wealth and false confidence. It can be very damaging to their ability to have healthy relationships.
Sometimes that guy you see that makes you fall to your knees is not the right guy for you. Maybe he’s just a fun one-night stand or several nights stand. Just make sure you can handle it when it ends. I have no regrets in that department. Sometimes sexual energy does not equal relationship energy, but every encounter is a learning experience. Have fun and don’t take it seriously.
9. Some Men Only Want Sex, And It Doesn't Matter with Who.
Some men are looking to play the field. Some women do as well. They want to try out different types of people, even if those people are not their type. You are going to meet guys like this, and they will pursue you. Be aware of it. Often guys will seek out certain women to sleep with, but the women they marry are the complete opposite. This happens more often than you might think. Either choose to have fun with it or walk away. You will know based on how interested they are in the long term. If a guy is dating several women at once, you will know. If a guy sleeps with you freely, but cannot commit to a deeper relationship connection, you will know.
10. Marry A Good Man, Not Your Dream Boy.
You know that woman on social who constantly boasts about her amazing husband or the girlfriend you have who found the love of her life in high school? That is an anomaly. It doesn’t happen often. And sometimes things are not what they seem. I know women who boast about husbands that are sending out some serious red flags to the rest of the world. Marry a good man. Someone you enjoy spending time with who works hard, shares your values, and stands up for you and your family.
Marry a strong man and an honest man. You don’t have to be madly in love. That is not realistic. Passion and infatuation fade with time. Marriage is a commitment that should be taken seriously. It is not easy to get a divorce, even if you are financially independent and can keep the house. The reality is marriage is a contract between yourself and another individual. It’s a choice to share your life with someone, so you better make sure that person is solid in all the ways you expect.
Marriage is a journey of constant growth, so make sure your significant other is willing to grow with you. Don’t marry the good-looking, perfect-on-the-surface guy, unless he’s got far more to offer emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Also, accept that your guy isn’t going to always have it together. We are all working on ourselves, and we all have baggage. You are not going to avoid that. Sometimes the regular, average guy you keep in the friend zone, who you love spending time with, is the guy you should marry. Love is about respect, time, and genuine connection.
Good luck on your journey! It’s all about growth and understanding ourselves and others. The end goal is to improve your well-being so you can go out in the world and be a good person. No one is going to fill the void but you.
I would like to thank Matthew Hussey for the inspiration for this article and all the advice he gives to help individuals find good, healthy, and lasting relationships.
S. Angell is a published poet, writer, philosopher, video blogger, and preschool teacher by day. She explores an array of topics including love, life, death, history, and society from a philosophical perspective. You can find her on Instagram @therainydaypoetess or TheRainyDayPoet.com
