Aging Women and Life After 40
This week, I listened to Mayim Bialik’s Bialik’s Breakdown podcast with Justine Bateman on how aging and aging women are seen in society. Justine told a story about a little girl at a library story time who became frightened and screamed “Witch!” when she likened the older woman reading the story to a wicked witch in a fairytale. This anecdote revealed that older women are portrayed as wicked or one-dimensional, frumpy, and plump grandmothers in the stories we read to our children.
We have created a false narrative that if a woman isn’t young and naïve, she is faulty, angry, or physically unattractive. How did we get here? Are these outdated stereotypes from a time when life expectancy was short, and women lived complicated physical lives, or when the societal expectations of a woman past her prime were more rigid and puritanical?
I couldn’t help but correlate Justine’s story to the growing trend in conservative circles that promotes the value of younger women to older men, although it is nothing new. Men have been marrying younger women for centuries. But is the resurgence of this desire partly due to the increasing number of men choosing to settle down later in life or finally maturing into their 40s and 50s?
It seems many men are looking for a woman who is still willing and able to bear children or perhaps tolerate their arrested development. This logic and reason make sense on all accounts, but the narrative around this idea also draws women who chose careers over family into the discussion.
Instead of seeking to understand why women are choosing careers before family, which could be due to similar pressures that men face financially and socially nowadays, they are being criticized for their choices. I mean, the biological clock is ticking, girl! Get it together, or you will be dog meat to a man!
The expectation that all women should start their careers by twenty and be prepared to marry and have a family at thirty is unrealistic and narrow-minded. I heard a group of men on a podcast a few weeks ago make comments about how these career women they think they know who are over thirty-five are miserable cat ladies on meds who are no longer attractive to available men. I laughed at their sheer arrogance. That is not true, nor is it my experience or the experience of my female friends over thirty-five. It is instead a gross assumption and a lie. They seem to use this line to justify their late bloom to manhood and what they believe is a woman’s place in society — to make babies and maintain no other identity but as a housewife and mother. It’s even more ridiculous that they also emphasize the importance of a financially stable woman in the same breath. According to this logic, men have eons to get their lives together but expect women to have it all figured out by twenty-five. Good luck with the few women who do, and better luck with her when she’s forty, unfulfilled, and over your immature antics.
Women are multifaceted human beings. Yes, we can bear children, many of us value domestic life, and most of us want to be with a man who provides for us and protects us, but that does not negate our need to define our character and pursue our interests. Despite some men’s fantasies, a woman’s age and their expectations that we are to live and behave as if we are forever twenty-one is hardly attractive and fulfilling in the long term in any marriage or partnership. Healthy couples grow together, and they age together. Healthy men understand this. Boys want to be constantly youthful with a girl who never changes.
I am not insinuating that younger women do not have value and do not know who they are and what they want, but there is a refinement of character that comes with age. It is a more profound realm that comes with experience and the wisdom we develop. Any worthy man will understand that a good woman is a good woman, no matter what year she was born. Many men are attracted to older women and do not pine for women who will bear their children. They might be divorced, widowed, or simply not interested in the conventional rites of passage to fatherhood and family life.
Jordan Peterson might be right when he said that men do not grow up until they have children, but I can count many immature and irresponsible men I have come across who do have children. Maturity and emotional intelligence come with personal growth and surrounding oneself in a healthy environment with positive male influences. It can also be cultivated through a drive for personal development and consistent self-reflection. Men are not a one-size-fits-all, and neither are women. It is ignorant to believe otherwise.
Women must make peace with their age and understand that their value only increases with time. We are sisters, aunts, mothers, pillars of our communities, leaders, supporters, communicators, and family matriarchs. We are wisdom keepers and healers. We must value our greater purpose other than pleasing a man’s desires.
There is life after forty, children, marriage or not, and here is how you can embrace the process of age:
Embrace Your Beauty
Love your skin and your hair. I have started aging within the last two years, and it hasn’t been easy to look at the changes in the mirror. Others around me haven’t noticed, but my skin is drying out, and my hair is greying. For me, it’s less about how I look and more about how I feel amidst this slow metamorphosis. But I am also grateful for my health and looking forward to the white hair that both my parents have in contrast to my dark brown eyes, a genetic trait passed down from my exotic looking, paternal grandmother.
Skincare was a priority over makeup for the women who raised me. Although I applied makeup to my face in high school, I stopped using it in my twenties and thirties and now use it at a minimum in my forties. Less is more. A bit of mascara and some eye shadow if I am going out to a social function, that’s about it!
My skincare routine consists of a base of light moisturizer, some thicker night cream that I use during the day, various skin oils such as rose oil and raspberry seed oil for sun protection, and a product called V’s Bees that I purchase from a woman in Ontario, Canada who creates it with the help of her bees in her backyard. I’ve been using Vs Bees since my late twenties.
I have cut my hair short recently because the water where I live is hard and dries out my follicles. I’m currently searching for a good shower filter, as I’m not too impressed by the one I have. Be gentle with your skin and hair as you age. Use mild soaps and shampoos without sulfates and other chemical additives. I used a combination of mild shampoo bars, Dove Soap for my body wash, and gentle leave-in conditioners. There is a variety of cleansing products on the market that are made with natural and simple ingredients.
My eyelids will sag a bit as I age, and the wrinkles will increase across my face regardless of my beauty routine, but I am prepared to embrace this. I am wary of Botox and other such anti-aging treatments. If someone is only interested in what I offer based on my appearance, I don’t want to be involved with them anyway. That brings me to my next point.
Refine Your Character
Build and refine your character. Who are you, and who do you want to be? What do you value?
Hone your skills and develop interests. Find new interests. Our interests and hobbies ground us and help us learn about ourselves and what we want and don’t want. They connect us with like-minded people.
Interests are a part of what defines us as individuals. It is a way to be involved in the social aspects of our society and community. They help define and refine our character.
I have always been interested in storytelling, film, writing, and philosophy. I also enjoy sewing and being outside, taking in the natural environment. Even the jobs I have chosen throughout my adult life have helped me develop my character. My interests open doors and expose me to a variety of experiences that form my personality and my values. Through these experiences, I can offer value to those around me and, in turn, learn from others’ experiences. Whole worlds are created through the development of one’s character. It makes you attractive, flexible, and versatile. I can walk into a room and talk to anyone about anything. I also have the patience and grace to listen to others and learn.
Find something you enjoy doing. It doesn’t have to be something big. It can be walking on Sundays in a public park. You will be amazed at what you notice and who you meet. These experiences will carry you into old age and help you see your value beyond your once-youthful appearance.
Value Your Experience
Wisdom is to be shared. Value the things you have learned in your life and find a way to teach them to others.
Older women have experience, and when integrated with our natural ability to tap into our intuitive nature, we become wise seers with a wellspring of support and guidance.
Older women are not the wicked witches in fairytales. They are magicians who transform communities and matriarchs that build families. We are cultivators of life and protectors of what is sacred to our existence. We are survivors, lovers, and maternal protectors.
Seek experiences in life that allow you to grow, even if they are challenges that bring you hardship and pain. You will create a foundation of knowledge you can draw from to care for others and care for yourself. Value your experiences. Don’t live in regret. Your mistakes and missteps make you better.
Set Personal Goals
Set goals for personal development and healing. Do things that fulfill you as much as you can. Women tend to give a lot of themselves to their partners and their families. Taking time for ourselves is a must. We cannot care for others if we do not care for ourselves. Goals help us get there.
I have a running calendar where I keep self-care appointments, work schedules, and projects I want to pursue daily, weekly, and monthly. I stick to a routine so I stay focused. I allot time every week for my self-care, and when I feel overwhelmed with too many to-dos, I communicate it to the individuals in my life and take the time I need for myself. Sacrificing my self-care is non-negotiable.
Life is to be lived. Goal setting is fundamental to building a solid foundation for living life fully. Keep your goals small and attainable. Baby steps. Setting goals will help you build a life that you are proud of and will carry you into old age. Goals give you something to look forward to. They slow the passage of time and offer a sense of accomplishment.
Form Relationships That Support Your Growth
Focus on quality relationships over quantity as you age. There is nothing more valuable than a good set of quality friendships that support your growth and well-being. These relationships can be found in areas of interest, such as a hobby group or community gathering. I have also met good friends through work and self-care appointments. We don’t always see each other, but when we do, we help heal each other and care for one another. I have also taken the time and energy to maintain old friendships with individuals who share similar values. The history we share only makes our friendships stronger.
Intimate relationships must grow if we are to remain in them. It is challenging to spend years with the same partner. Partnerships are a daily practice in patience, communication, and love. Stay committed to caring for each other and prioritizing healing in your home. We all enter relationships with unresolved trauma and pain, and we often project this onto our partners. We must honor our commitments and act with mindfulness, grace, and respect. Practicing self-reflection and personal care is a part of this process.
Make Time for Healing and Reflection
Take time out to understand yourself and others. Read books and listen to podcasts that offer insights into personal development and healing. I learn a lot from the experiences of others and the stories that they tell about their lives.
Create a space in your home where you can sit quietly and meditate, read, or write. Alone time is integral to relaxation and reflection. Reflection can also occur while kayaking, walking your dog, driving down a country road, or making regular appointments at a spa. This time allows you to let go, breathe, and release the busyness of life so you can get a clearer picture of what is occurring in your life and how you can act with integrity and authenticity in all areas of your life.
Be a Trustworthy and Wise Confidant
Be a good friend and family member. Be a keeper of confidential information and offer advice with respect and love. Handle personal information and stories with care. Nothing is redeeming about someone who gossips or blurts out others’ confidences to anyone who will listen.
Be someone people can trust and come to without fearing judgment or shame. It is an honor to have others confide in you. Act with integrity and be a wise confidant.
Support Other Women
Women must support other women. We are unique in how we process our feelings and emotions and communicate. Women need networks of women who support their growth and well-being. It helps us understand that we are not alone in our struggles, pains, goals, and accomplishments.
Women can get lost in comparison and competition with other women. We must understand how powerful our hearts are and learn to share our capacity to love with other women. With our loss of community and changing social environments due to modern conveniences and social media, women have forgotten how essential it is to have communities of women who love and support one another.
Our relationships with women help us heal and trust our journeys. They help us build on our strengths and resilience to serve our families, relationships, and communities.
Build a Strong Foundation of Faith and Spiritual Health
Have faith that there is something greater at play in your life. Some believe in God, and others feel an energy or influence they can’t quite name. Faith in a divine spirit allows us to operate from a place of trust and authenticity. It gives us a foundation for healing and strength when we need it the most. It gets us out of bed every morning and helps us rest at night. It centers and grounds our sometimes chaotic human spirit.
I used to take a lot of things for granted before I found my faith. I was selfish and insular about my needs and desires without considering others or the greater societal picture. It has helped me bear responsibility and understand what is essential. It has formed my values and helped me through life’s adversities. We must believe in something greater than ourselves to see the miracles around us and count our blessings. Life is full of love and lessons that make us better.
Walk Your Path
Do you! Walk your path. It is no one’s business how you live your life. We all have unique boundaries, expectations, and agreements with ourselves and others.
I aim to align myself with my soul’s purpose in this life. Seeking others’ approval and validation is an energy vampire. It will draw you away from what you are meant for. Focus on building a life surrounded by healthy people who want the best for you and place your energy into things that fulfill you.
See The Bigger Picture
Look at the world around you and heighten your awareness of how society is shifting energetically.
Humans are a force of energy that creates change and evolves through time. Knowing how to anticipate events and understand how humans operate in society allows us to roll gracefully with societal shifts in consciousness.
Educate yourself in history, politics, and philosophy. It will provide a richer life experience that you can use to create stories and pass on wisdom when you are old.
Have A Vision of The Future
What do you want your life to look like as you age? Create a vision of your future. What kind of person do you want to be? How are the pieces fitting together now? Are the things you are doing serving your long-term goals and plans?
Knowing who you want to be and what you want your life to look like when you are old starts with preparations now. Make decisions that improve your health physically, spiritually, and mentally so you can live with dignity into your old age. Things might not turn out how you expect, but the life you create now will carry you with time. Trust me, I’ve had to reinvent myself multiple times. My experiences and choices have made me resilient.
Have Adventure
Have adventures. Do the things you have always wanted to do. Face your fears. Sometimes, an adventure can be facing the lessons within a relationship you want to run away from, or it can be traveling to a new destination to explore.
Adventure makes us feel alive. They give us energy and move us forward. They spark our curiosity and stimulate our body, mind, and spirit. Adventures add layers to our experiences and build our character.
Everyone Gets Old
Don’t fear aging. Embrace it. Forget about everyone’s opinions on how women should age. We are in this life to grow emotionally and spiritually. We are here to care for our souls. Our bodies are simply vessels and reflections of our inner life.
S. Angell is a published poet, writer, philosopher, video blogger, and preschool teacher by day. She explores various topics, including love, life, death, history, and society, from a philosophical perspective. You can find her on Instagram @therainydaypoetess or TheRainyDayPoet.com
