Beauty and the Beast — Why Do Women Overthink Men?
I originally intended to write a different blog post this week, but then I came across Mo Gawdat’s interview with Sarah Dawn Moore, a popular relationship coach who helps women and men navigate intimate relationships. Gawdat’s interview was about Sarah’s move from corporate marketing executive to content creator, her opinions on men, and how women relate to men. She spoke about her father’s death and the abandonment issues she developed due to his passing. She also revealed a broken engagement that left her devastated, depressed, and questioning her life direction.
I respect Sarah Dawn Moore for telling her story and putting herself in a vulnerable public position to help others, but when I scoured her Instagram page, I realized like other online gurus, her content is marketed to a specific type of individual — women who see men as alien creatures from another planet. It is her target market. I get it. Sarah is by professional experience a marketer, having worked as a marketing executive for Johnson & Johnson before riding the wave of a viral post about men. And as little as I know about Sarah, she seems to relate to this type of woman because it is likely also how she views men.
What got me thinking about this is that Sarah isn’t talking to women like me. Although she highlights some valid topics and certainly points out obvious differences between men and women, not all women struggle with the issues she discusses regarding men. I think women’s relationships with men largely depend on how they form relationships with them early in life and how other women in their lives, particularly their mothers, relate to men.
I am no expert on men or women. I think we are all individuals with unique experiences and perspectives, and far more complex than meets the eye. I think what one person finds attractive, repels another person. There is no one-size-fits-all. That is a marketing gimmick. But what I can discuss is my experiences with men and how women relate to them.
I grew up in a small blue-collar town that was dominated by stereotypical masculine men. Most men I knew were mechanics, truck drivers, railway workers, miners, and foresters. These men fished on the weekends, hunted seasonally, and drank beer like water. They were tough, hard-working, and often traditional and conservative. Many of the men I grew up with are good friends and just as many know my dad, who is a strong and caring father and respected community member.
I played mostly with boys before the age of six. In fact, I preferred playing with boys when I was young and struggled to understand the game-playing and vanity that seemed to possess little girls in my neighborhood and at school. It took me until I was about ten to feel comfortable around girls, despite having two sisters and no brothers. I couldn’t understand why so many girls thought they needed to manipulate boys to get their attention. Most boys fell for it, but I still didn’t understand why anyone would bother putting in so much effort. Why not just walk up to them and talk about something they might be interested in, anything? Who has time for this nonsense?
These were guys I played with in the dirt, went fishing with, guys who acted like complete nerds and drove me nuts at times. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t wrap my head around the long braids, shiny hair ties, and frilly dresses coupled with the giggles and the flirty gazes. I mean, I talked to boys all the time in my corduroy pants, brown running shoes, chin-length haircut, and polyester turtleneck. I looked like a female version of Ernie from Sesame Street. What was all the fuss about?
My relationship with boys was sitting on a bedroom floor with Star Wars characters participating in space war scenarios, pilling sand into our boots and walking barefoot into a puddle full of toads and worms, and getting punched in the arm at school because I was saying something sassy to one of them. I didn’t see these boys as some foreign entity dropped down from Mars that I had to do a princess dance for, and despite my doubts due to the influx of feminine competition in middle school and high school, they loved me, I loved them, and I trusted them. I saw them as friends, brothers, and comrades.
I still prefer spending time with the boys in my preschool class. They respect me and turn to me for advice and safety. I love that they are unique in their behavior and responses. They deal in what is tangible and factual. It’s refreshing and energizing compared to the drama and emotional turmoil that girls and women often express outwardly. Don’t get me wrong, I love women and all their behavioral nuances and have very close female friends, but my relationships with men seem less complicated and easier to navigate.
I think women largely overthink men and focus too much on attracting the opposite sex and not enough time on developing their character and diversifying their interests and hobbies. Men like women who have hobbies and lives of their own. Good men who have their priorities straight do anyway. You can still be independent, strong, and think for yourself and attract men. I honestly think men like women who demonstrate intelligence and are a little sassy and assertive. I think they respect it. If a man finds you intimidating or too strong, then they likely are not the guy for you. Move on.
Everyone is turned on and attracted to something different; some men prefer ultra-feminine women while other men prefer women that think more like men. It depends on what their female role models were growing up and what attracts them individually. I know a 3-year-old boy in my preschool who cries every time a female teacher dotes on him. He can’t stand the coddling and cooing in his face, yet he attaches himself to female teachers who are nonchalant and authoritative like his mother. I imagine this will carry over into his adulthood or he might have some negative experiences with his mother along the way and decide he wants to be with a woman that is the opposite of her.
Women need to understand that men are human, just like us. They need to feel seen, heard, and respected. Most men don’t want to be nagged, doted on, or told what to do. Their natural inclination is to lead and protect the women they are with, so allowing them this space to lead and protect you is important in any relationship with a man, if he has your trust.
Trust is far more important in a relationship than anything else in my experience. You don’t have to be drop-dead gorgeous, submissive, under the age of thirty, financially successful, a supreme homemaker, or a supermom. Be authentic in who you are and define what it is that you want and don’t want. Focus on creating healthy boundaries and communicating from a place of respect and care. That is how we form connected relationships with others. But don’t forget to laugh and relax. Life isn’t so serious, and neither is a relationship with a man. You don’t need to dissect every little detail about men’s behavior and responses to decode them. Walk up to them in your worn-in jeans, buttoned-down shirt, and messy hair, and ask them what they are interested in. It’s that simple. And leave the men who want fairytales to the princesses. There is plenty to go around.
S. Angell is a published poet, writer, philosopher, video blogger, and preschool teacher by day. She explores an array of topics including love, life, death, history, and society from a philosophical perspective. You can find her on Instagram @therainydaypoetess or TheRainyDayPoet.com
