Family Relationships — How to Set Healthy Boundaries
Every family has unhealthy patterns of behavior that are often generational and ingrained in the family dynamics. The complexities of these dynamics increase through each parent who brings their family patterns into the relationship and their coping strategies. Unhealthy generational behavioral patterns and beliefs can devastate our family relationships and alienate individual family members. If the cycle continues, they are inevitably passed down to our children and grandchildren. It can affect how we interact outside our families and perceive ourselves and the world around us. Although we are all unique individuals with our own way of interacting socially and perceiving our experiences, our childhood influences are what form us into adulthood.
Breaking unhealthy family belief systems that result in dysfunctional behavior patterns is challenging, especially when emotional, physical, or psychological abuse is involved. Often, the family members who want to end generational dysfunction are scapegoated by other family members who fear disrupting what has become a comfortable existence, albeit toxic to the family, or suffer from generational trauma they are unprepared to face. Studies have shown that siblings perceive family dynamics differently and will learn to cope with unhealthy patterns individually, creating more misalignment in the family’s perceptions and beliefs.
Often, in families that experience emotional turmoil, anger, resentment, jealousy, and various forms of abuse, the need for a qualified professional to walk family members through their relationship dynamics is the best way to learn how to communicate effectively to move beyond the pain caused by generational patterns and beliefs. The challenging part is encouraging all family members to participate in this process. Some families are more willing to communicate, while others completely shut down and resort to anger and blame or disown or ignore each other. Often, there are family roles that everyone takes on in each family that feeds the toxic cycle.
If you are the one who notices the unhealthy behavioral patterns in your family, it is possible to change your family dynamics by creating healthy connections with one family member at a time. If this is not an option, you can change how you interact with your family and hope the dynamics will shift by creating new energy. Essentially, you change how you behave to create a healthy environment for yourself, and your family members will either follow suit or get a clear signal that you are no longer willing to join in on the family’s habitual dysfunction. Unfortunately, the family members seeking change are also the most sensitive to negative energy and deeply empathetic by default. This can place them in a vulnerable position on the receiving end of family discontent. Essentially, they absorb the family’s pain and sacrifice their well-being in the process. This can present itself in a disruptive or people-pleasing child in the household as their way to try to cope with the constant conflict and upheaval.
Families seem complex because we expect the most love and support from those who birthed and raised us. We must learn to let go of this expectation as it often leads to disappointment and resentment, continuing the family patterns. Expectations can not be placed on those who are not prepared to take responsibility for their part in a toxic family cycle.
How do we break this cycle and care for ourselves in the process? We must look objectively at the bigger picture of our families, understand the dynamics, roles, and history of our families, and learn to value our own experiences. As a result, we begin to see the unhealthy family dynamics unfold before our eyes and, therefore, gain the ability to navigate our families without sacrificing our well-being. And yes, sometimes this means creating a life without our families, depending on the severity of the dysfunction.
Like any advice given regarding relationships in any form, the key to building healthy family relationship patterns lies in communication and boundary setting. When we learn to set healthy boundaries, we tell people how to treat us.
Healthy Boundaries are Everything!
I understood how to say no with kindness, but it took me years to set healthy boundaries for my well-being. I understand that I must first value myself and my experience to create healthy relationships. The only person that can validate my experience is me.
The biggest struggle with unhealthy families is a lack of boundaries and a lack of respect for healthy boundaries. If a child has parents who cannot emotionally regulate and understand the importance of boundaries, the children do not learn how to set healthy boundaries. Families with unhealthy boundaries are fraught with conflict and drama. This leads to distrust, instability, and self-worth within the family and often outside the family network. Parents devalue their children, and children learn that manipulation, tantrums, and competition with their siblings are normal, or they turn away from the family to try to escape the dysfunction. Kindness, empathy, compassion, and respect fail to materialize in dysfunctional families, leading to miscommunication, assumptions, anger, resentment, abuse, and blame.
Be clear with your family members about your needs and demonstrate healthy behavior when familiar patterns arise. Communicate your needs assertively with kindness and empathy. Some family members will try to trivialize your boundaries by creating conflict or turning defensive. Be aware that these family patterns are used to manipulate you in their favor. Do not take the bait. They want you to play along. State your boundaries and stand by them. Do not justify yourself. Healthy family members will respect your boundaries.
Trust
Trust is integral to mutual respect and care in relationships. If a family member tells you something in confidence, it’s confidential. Just because everyone is related does not mean your business is everyone’s. I don’t know how often I have confided in some of my family members and turned around to find out they blabbed to the rest of the family. It is a privilege to be someone’s confidant. It is also a privilege to be trusted. Don’t jeopardize it.
It is one thing to express care and concern for someone in your family, and sometimes sensitive information is shared, but know the difference between need-to-know information to support a family member and plain old gossip that isn’t benefitting anyone involved. The best way to handle confidential information is only to discuss it with the person who confided in you in the first place. I noticed one red flag in my life experience: a family member who consistently tells everyone not to tell anyone is the gossip. I used to think this person didn’t trust me, but then I realized they were telling everyone this. Turns out, they can’t trust themselves because they blab to everyone.
How do you deal with family gossip? Tell them that you are not interested in gossip. If they get angry or defensive, exit the conversation politely. You are not obligated to appease anyone by joining their gossip sessions. In the end, these individuals lose your trust and confidence. And yes, you can still love them and tell them very little about your personal life.
Focus on Healthy Family Patterns
Encourage healthy family patterns of behavior. Put energy into family members who act with understanding and empathy. I am blessed to have an extended family of individuals I can trust, confide in, and feel valued by. I also seek to create healthy relationship patterns with family members who are stuck in unhealthy patterns. To do this, I have learned to let go of any expectations of our relationship and make conscious decisions on where to place my energy when interacting with them. It isn’t easy. We all feel a pull to want to be fully accepted and valued by our family, but sometimes, this isn’t an option, and we must make peace with it.
Be Aware of Fairy Tales and Family Myths
Do not buy into family myths. Often, narratives are created about family members to create a story that maintains the status quo. If individuals in your family are deliberately attacking a family member’s character with ill intent, they are creating a false narrative to cover up their guilt or feeding off their unresolved trauma.
Refuse to acknowledge the family narrative as truth. As individuals, we all grow and change with time, some more so than others. We are complex humans with various emotions, unique perceptions, and life experiences. Placing family members in a one-dimensional role or pinning them to a story that occurred in an isolated setting in the past hinders any opportunity to heal and create healthy family relationships. Family members who create stories to feed a family narrative fail to realize the truth and end up in greater disharmony within the family unit. No one gains a thing from scapegoating other family members by spinning fairy tales to protect themselves and their belief system within a family.
Beware of Narcissistic Patterns of Abuse
Families with one parent who displays narcissistic behaviors are especially vulnerable to a toxic family soup. The narcissist will employ each family member to feed their egos through manipulation, lies, false narratives, victim behavior, avoidance, and gaslighting. Each family member will subconsciously take on an enabling role to appease the narcissist. This will be based on how much the narcissist benefits from every one, with the scapegoat or make-believe antagonist being the one whom the narcissist benefits from the least.
There is a hierarchy in a narcissistic parent’s family. The golden child is the one the narcissist fears the most or feels the most dependent on; the ones abused are usually their spouse and/or a child who sees the narcissism yet is not mature enough to set healthy boundaries. The other members of the family are either accomplices or enablers, are employed to do the narcissist’s dirty work, or have also taken on the parent’s narcissistic behaviors and perceive the family dynamics as normal. They are typically people-pleasers, feel obligated to uphold the family unit in any form it takes, or have been victims of abuse outside the family unit as well. The narcissistic parent knows this and plays to everyone’s weaknesses. They are also careful of how their extended family and their communities perceive them to keep up the charade. They alienate the scapegoat from the family by any means necessary and ensure their mask is never lifted.
You cannot reason with a narcissistic family member. They only think of themselves and have deep fears, insecurities, and inferiorities that they will likely take to their grave. Keep your interactions in this family dynamic limited, and try to maintain healthy relationships with those who also notice this pattern of abuse within the family unit and are interested in building a connection outside of this dynamic.
Live Your Life
Your life is just that, yours! Live your life in a way that makes sense to you. Some families can be very supportive and loving, others need a lot of patience and time, while some can be downright terrible. Know who you can trust and rely on. Trust your gut.
If your family members drain you of happiness and love and have you questioning your value, seek it elsewhere and within yourself. Build your own family, even if it’s a combination of relatives and friends. Appreciate those around you who lift you up and are there for you through the good and bad times.
True family is there for you without harsh judgment and criticism. They are there to seek understanding and help you be a better person, and vice versa. Ridicule, resentment, greed, hostile behaviors, competition, and dishonesty are not part of healthy families or worthy relationships. If the people you love are unwilling to see the error of their ways and work towards a better family dynamic, focus on those willing to create healthy connections. Take care of your well-being. The people meant to be in your life will be in it. You don’t get to choose your family. They choose you, and you need to choose you.
S. Angell is a published poet, writer, philosopher, video blogger, and preschool teacher by day. She explores various topics, including love, life, death, history, and society from a philosophical perspective. You can find her at https://www.therainydaypoet.com/ or on Instagram @rainydaypoetess
