Love is Sacrifice — Why Do We Protect Our Pain?
We want to have this fantastical view of love that is perfect and peaceful, but how can we expect it if we are a well of complexities, contrasting the dark and the light? The magic fairy or knight in shining armor is not going to save you with gleaming teeth and the perfect answer for your every want and need. Love is more nuanced than that. Love is a magnified mirror. That’s the problem with the “perfect teeth” social media world we live in; we think there is that perfect person for us who going to make everything okay. The reality is the perfect person for us is going to challenge our heart and make us squirm while forcing us to dig deeper into our soul. That perfect person isn’t always going to be a lover, it might be a friend, or family member. It is usually someone who sees us from a realistic point of view and loves us despite our unhealed parts.
Life is lesson. Life is experiment. Life is risk. Life is difficult. Life is limited by our perceptions. Love is the same. No one is perfect and we don’t have to be perfect to be loved. We fear love because we are not willing to give up our pain. Yes, that’s what I just said. We protect our pain. The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s pain. Our pain happens quickly and early, usually when we are a young child. It comes in the form of disappointment, betrayal, or abuse. It scars us for life and does not heal until we learn to soften the hardened parts of ourselves. We must learn to sit comfortably in our pain and allow it to transform itself into love if we expect to be fully loved and love fully.
Love is always on the other side of pain. Most of us accept some version of lukewarm care or concern from our significant others or those we surround ourselves with. I notice this particularly with people who struggle with feelings of self worth. They push people away, so they don’t have to be vulnerable and expose their pain. They see their vulnerabilities as weaknesses that will devour them, but the very thing they are protecting is the thing that is consuming them whole. Pain will leave you listless and lonely. It’s a very isolating place to live. You can cover it up with work, hobbies, casual sex, or addictions, but it will only dig a deeper hole in your heart and eventually leave you old, lonely, and with too many regrets.
Love is sacrifice, but it is not the doomsday death sacrifice we perceive with our minds. It is the sacrificial death of our egos. It is letting go of our pain and trusting to be loved fully. It is allowing others to see us completely raw in our beauty. It’s understanding that we are beautiful when we are authentic, even when we are messy and uninhibited. We must accept the ugly parts of ourselves to be truly loved.
Most people will not allow themselves to be loved, but we all crave it immensely. It’s no wonder more men and women are single now than ever before. It’s easier to protect our image, pretend we have it all figured out, and anyone who shows the slightest interest in us beyond the surface must have lost their minds or they must want something otherworldly that we cannot give. Our refusal to be loved is a refusal to love ourselves. When we understand our value, love is not an overwhelming threat, it is an opportunity for growth and connection.
When we are young, we allow our relationships to flow. We embrace the unknown and allows ourselves to be vulnerable. With time as our negative experiences harden us, we turn inward, but only skin-deep to build a false armor around our hearts. We lack the wisdom to permeate our inner core and do the deep work necessary for transformation and healing. With time, some of us seek more profound meaning or we are faced with immense adversity that transforming ourselves and embracing love again is the only way through. Others avoid their pain at all costs, sometimes until death. With the protection of pain, always comes regret and loss, always. Love is unavoidable. Pain is a choice.
S. Angell is a published poet, writer, philosopher, and video blogger. She explores various topics, including love, life, death, history, and society from a philosophical perspective. You can find her on Instagram @rainydaypoetess
