School of Ex
Why do we hold such animosity towards our exes? Why do we hold some exes in a more favorable light than others?
I think once a relationship is formed it becomes part of our psyche. It is not something we walk away from and never think about again. We often give a lot in relationships, whether romantic or platonic and when they end, it can be a painful process. Everyone handles the end of a relationship differently depending on various past and present influences in our lives. Relationships end in all sorts of ways, from clean breakups to all-out dramatic catastrophes yet, once we step away and give ourselves time, we can allow ourselves to reflect on them.
I have had four monogamous, live-in relationships, and several romantic partners in my life thus far, one resulting in having my son whose father I have not spoken to in seventeen years. Despite my choice to sever communication ties with my son’s father, I can confidently say that I do not hold any animosity towards my exes. Each represented a different time of growth in my life. I think of my exes often, not in a state of grief and longing, but as a way to reflect on my life and draw comparisons to where I am now. I see my exes as a reflection of who I was and where I was in my life at the time. They help me understand myself better.
I have one ex I dream about when I am at a crossroads in my life. Sometimes I dream only about him, and sometimes there are many other people involved that I know, even his current wife and children. He represents a place of self-empowerment and strength for me. He was the first man I fell in love with. Our relationship was passionate but surrounded by unhealthy external influences, such as frequent drug use, infidelity, and financial instability. He was the guy I broke up with then hit rock bottom.
I have an ex from high school with whom I had almost a purely sexual relationship. We had mutual friends and still share those friends today. He was not my first love, but he was the one who opened the door to my sexuality. I think teenage relationships can come with a whole other set of challenges. We are still developing self-awareness and our ability to look beyond ourselves and our own needs. I was blissfully unaware of how I felt about him at the time, other than I thought he was attractive. All I wanted was to be with him. We were fifteen when we met. I was not interested in having a serious relationship in high school, but there was a part of me that wanted our relationship acknowledged in public. People knew about us, but we did not advertise it to everyone.
My high school relationship set the tone for subsequent sexual relationships throughout my late teens and twenties. I became detached and allowed my sexual partners to use me for sex without expecting that they acknowledge our relationship publicly. Although I enjoyed having lots of sex, I felt that a part of me was devalued. Eventually, I became involved with partners that I could have full relationships with who valued me as a whole person. But there was something about my high school relationship that was left unresolved until a few years ago when I contacted my ex and divulged my feelings about our past relationship. One might think that would be awkward and humiliating, but it was healing and ended up benefitting us both. I was able to speak my truth, and he could move forward with a new relationship and have a child.
My relationship with my son’s father was a nightmare. He was six years older than me and came with a whole lot of baggage, including jail time, but he was charming initially, and I was in a place in my life where I was depressed and destructive. We had some mutual friends that we spent time drinking with. I was twenty years old, in between college programs, and bored. I had a female friend I met in school that looked like a lot of fun, so I went with her to parties. My life eventually became work, sleep, party. One night, drunk on Black Russians, I got into bed with him. I was taking birth control pills, but I would skip days when I forgot to take them. I am unsure how often this was happening, but I found myself pregnant when I returned to school the following September. My first thought was to get an abortion, but I could not go through with it and decided to have my son with my family’s support.
I was with my son’s father for about two years. We officially started having a relationship when my son was six months old. I was not interested in my son’s father, but I was lonely and wanted to see if it could work. Unfortunately, this was a poor choice. I ended up in a very abusive and dysfunctional relationship that I ended when my son was three. It took me a long time to forgive him and myself for what had happened in our relationship. I eventually came to terms with the fact that I was young. I was making decisions based on where I was in my life. I understand now that the things my ex struggles with have nothing to do with me. I can move past the pain and enjoy my life and my son’s life without having my ex in my life. I think it helps that I was not in love with this man, but our relationship was psychologically and emotionally draining. It took time and therapy to learn how to let go of all of the stress and anxiety I had taken on during it.
I had a relationship in my late twenties that was almost perfect in appearance. He was a kind, conscientious, and sensitive man with a very stable emotional temperament and grounded personality. I felt good around him. We were interested in similar things, and he had a very sharp sense of humor that I respected and appreciated. What ended our relationship? I wanted to move, and he was putting down roots. That was not the only issue. I was not in love with him. I loved him, I liked him, I enjoyed him, but I was not mad for him. I wanted to be mad for someone. I think for a while, I made trivial excuses for why we broke up like he was too agreeable and too nice. The truth was I wanted fire, but he was water; crystal clear, beautiful water I could dip my body into, but nonetheless water. My relationship with “water man” was not without value. We still have mutual friends, a recurring theme for me, it seems, and he gave me something I did not have in previous relationships, the feeling that I was completely respected and valued as a partner. He showed me what a healthy, giving relationship looked like where my needs were met, and my soul was nurtured.
I am married now. My relationship is supportive yet complex and complicated. I continue to learn a lot about myself and my partner. I understand now that relationships are not simple. There is not going to be a perfect partner who will satisfy all my wants and needs. I must seek that out myself by creating a fulfilling life while embracing the lessons I receive from past and present relationships so that I can grow and evolve into a better version of myself.
S. Angell is a published poet, writer, philosopher, video blogger, and preschool teacher by day. She explores an array of topics including love, life, death, history, and society from a philosophical perspective. You can find her on Instagram @therainydaypoetess or TheRainyDayPoet.com
