The Magnet Theory — Why Men and Women Struggle with Connection
Despite the variety of intimate partnerships we see in the world, heterosexual relationships are a constant in our society. We are changing our sexual preferences, but there is still a large section of our population that prefer male/female relationships. The relationship between men and women is a complex one that has evolved over time. With the increase in women’s education and independence and the effects of single-parent, typically female led homes, fulltime daycares, absent fathers, and the toxic masculinity line that has permeated our collective consciousness, relationships have only become even more complicated.
According to widely known statistics, more women are choosing to remain single while isolation, promiscuity, and suicide is increasing among men. We are in a heterosexual relationship crisis that is causing a huge rift in how we communicate and breaking down the familial fabric of our society. Boys are being coerced into thinking like girls in our educational systems and men are starving for male role models, and masculine spaces that haven’t be infiltrated by women and short-sighted feminist doctrine. It’s okay to be a strong, proud woman, but we must allow men to create communities that exclusively promote their health, well-being, and natural inclinations and motivations without condemning some narrow concept of an all-consuming patriarchy.
The shift in men and women’s roles in society has placed men on an even playing field with women both socially and emotionally. Our expectations of each other have changed, yet we are still working with the same biological and psychological tendencies that existed sixty years ago when women were more likely to remain housewives for life and men were the breadwinners. Women are still taking on most of the housework while working a forty-hour per week job, and men are typically still the breadwinners without the confidence to assert their masculinity. Women are embodying masculine roles to compensate for men’s lack of assertiveness and direction, and men are lost in a void of feeling inadequate or overwhelmed by the increased pressure to operate emotionally like women. This new stress point for both sexes is where the disconnect causes a magnetic effect as we try the occupy the same space creating an opposing force that repels us from one another.
Intimate relationships can be undeniably strong in attraction. Lifestyle, personality traits, temperament, preferences, past experiences, unresolved trauma, communication styles, culture, and physical appearance all determine what attracts us to another individual. It is a complex mix of desires, emotional and psychological needs, cultural norms, and societal expectations. There is also an overarching spiritual and soul development element to this union that creates an undeniable chemistry. All women and men embody masculine and feminine traits. Some individuals express varying degrees of these traits. Some men might express more feminine tendencies, and some women might express more masculine tendencies, but each is hardwired in either a masculine or feminine state. It is even the case with those that do not identify with a heterosexual preference.
When we balance our masculine and feminine, it creates a relationship that is both complementary and stimulating, not matter what type of relationship you are engaging in. When we try to occupy the same space with the same energy, we repel like two magnets fighting to dominate either a north or south pole, causing confusion and conflict. This creates a powerplay between two forces that often ends up in both parties being alienated from one another.
Women are increasingly taking on masculine roles as they fiercely claim their independence and occupy formerly male-only spaces. Many women are also balancing full-time careers, children, and traditional domestic roles. This has placed a great deal of stress on women who naturally gravitate towards their masculine traits for survival. Men and boys are navigating new territory as they are increasingly exposed to feminine spaces and progressive narratives where communication and emotional intelligence is a high expectation, and where masculinity is subdued or discouraged. To overcome this new dynamic and develop healthy and fulfilling relationships, we must understand the innate state of the masculine and feminine.
Men are ambitious doers who connect to themselves and others by relating to what is tangible or what can be created through physical elements. Their minds work in a linear realm using logic and reason to make sense of their environment. Women make sense of the world through the social, emotional, and intuitive. They want to connect with others and create community through empathy and compassion. Women are givers, men are utilizers. These traits can vary in degrees depending on the individual, but they are biologically innate. The fundamental traits of masculine and feminine are what attracts men and women or the masculine and feminine. It is how we ensure our survival as a human species, and it is how we create thriving societies. Both the masculine and feminine are in a state of overcompensation which is leading the destruction of our relationships.
Before the sexual revolution of the 1960s, men were expected to spend some time courting a woman and proving to her and her parents that he was a worthy suitor. There was time for both parties to get to know each other and figure out if they were well-suited. There was also a silent acceptance that both the male and the female would take their place within the marriage, creating less complexity to the union and tempering power dynamics. Now, I do not want to romanticize the past. I know unconventional things happened behind closed doors that are akin to the dysfunctional relationships, intimate violations, and lifestyle choices of today, but for discussions sake, let’s place this idea in the context of the cultural norms of the past.
When a man and woman are attracted to each other, the man will most likely come in with a biological drive to procreate whereas the woman will meet him with the impulse to emotionally connect. This creates a scenario where two opposing forces are trying to occupy the same space which represents their union. Without the conventions and societal expectations of the past, men and women now react on what drives them instinctually without the proper boundaries to hold them accountable and to develop the fine masculine and feminine dance required for the relationship to thrive. This creates conflict, resentment, and frustration. A man comes in physical; a woman comes in emotional and overwhelms the masculine space, causing him to retreat and her to seek safety in herself. Men will cope with this by isolating, seeking temporary forms of pleasure that don’t require them to invest emotionally, or they hyperfocus on what is tangible. Women cope by embodying their masculine to survive, becoming hyper independent, and attempting to subdue masculinity from a social standpoint to try to change the dynamic. This only furthers the opposition, ceasing to find a resolution. How do we overcome this and develop a healthy union?
Relationships are a fine dance of symmetry. We must understand each other’s motivations and needs. Women must understand that men react to a woman emotionally through their physical embodiment. If a man wants you, he is going to feel sexual attraction before he fully understands his emotions. Once a man expresses an interest in a woman, she is going to come into the relationship with emotion, making sense of her feelings through verbal communication. This dynamic can overwhelm both parties if a man is hypersexual and a woman comes in intensely emotional. A modern woman will often accept a man’s immediate hypersexuality if she is attracted and does not follow traditional forms of courting expectations or is turned off by cat and mouse games that some females play, but once they have made a connection, her emotional state overrides her physical attraction, and she asks for more. Fundamentally both women and men are seeking someone to create a family with through different approaches, but we have created a society where we have placed carnal impulses above relationship building, which has left men and women competing in the same space leading to a toxic environment of feeding off each other’s fears.
Women need to understand that intense emotions can overwhelm men. Even if a man is attracted to you, he will retreat or seek another woman who is less overwhelming to sooth his anxieties, despite being unfulfilled in the long term. I believe that is partly why men are more likely to seek pleasure outside of their marriages and divorce rates are high with many women initiating them. We are essentially accepting partners that make us feel safe instead of choosing partners that compliment and stimulate us because they challenge us to grow and face our fears.
Men need to realize that women are going to have emotions and sometimes they will be intense. Men need to accept this about women and help them regulate by remaining present and creating firm yet loving boundaries. The masculine and feminine is a finely orchestrated dance that often takes years for a couple to perfect. When men and women are in a place of understanding, a divine union takes place. When they are opposing each other, conflict arises.
There is a narrative that frequents the world of social media psychology circles regarding avoidant/anxious attachment styles. The avoidant archetype is typically attached to men whereas the anxiously attached archetype is used to describe women. There is truth in this claim as men pull away overwhelmed and women move closer to try to decode men’s behavior with their intuition and emotions. Although these attachment styles can be attributed to children’s development and broader psychological conditions, it also accurately describes the inclinations of men and women when they are not deeply grounded in understanding each other through communication and mutual vulnerability.
Oftentimes the feminine expressing her emotions might appear unstable to the more reserved masculine, but this is not the case. The feminine is vulnerable, which comes from a place of strength, that the masculine views as weakness. The reserved masculine will present as calm or cool, but oftentimes the inability to be vulnerable is rooted in self-worth, societal expectations, and the inability to express emotions freely. A woman’s emotions will ring alarm bells in a man’s brain as he pulls away, leaving a woman stranded. Both masculine and feminine fail to connect.
Women prioritize relationships biologically. They are community builders and are the main caregivers of children. Their default is to practice emotional and social intelligence and communicate with the world around them to make sense of their position in society. Men need purpose. They seek other satisfactions and endeavors outside of relationships. Their priority is working, providing, being financially successful, and ambitious. They interact with the physical world through task-based purpose that can come in the form of hobbies or physical driven outlets such as martial arts or other team sports, where they can focus on male friendships and tangible goals. A man’s emotional state is secondary to his purpose.
When a man is sexual with a woman, he must be prepared to hold her emotions. This does not mean a man is responsible for a woman’s emotions. Holding a woman’s emotions means allowing a woman to express herself, even if you cannot understand how she is feeling. Listen, remain present, hold space for her in silence. This includes texting or messaging. Read, let go. Do not reply if a woman is on a rant about something. She will sort it out on her own. You do not need to fix her. She just needs somewhere to direct her energy and if she trusts you, then you’re it. If you need to ask questions, then ask questions with a calm and kind approach. If your interactions with women are too overwhelming, cease contact, but remember, all women are in every woman. Unless you plan to be single forever or in a relationship with someone who does not care about you, you are going to have to face a woman’s emotions at some point and come to terms with your own emotions. All women are not the same, of course. Some women are more comfortable expressing emotions, while others are reserved. You chose what works best to compliment your temperament.
The key to creating a peaceful union is for women to temper their emotional state and for men to learn how to be vulnerable, balancing the masculine and feminine forces. Relationship is a gradual process that is refined over time. We must take our time getting to know each other and keep our conversations light and fun in the beginning. There is a reason one-night stands and casual sex rarely work into a long-term relationship. We cannot create understanding through the single occupation of the masculine space, we must infuse the feminine into our relationships through verbal and emotional communication.
When the masculine and feminine are in perfect union, we are able to focus on our divine purpose and build a healthy and prosperous society.
S. Angell is a published poet, writer, philosopher, and video blogger. She explores various topics, including love, life, death, history, and society from a philosophical perspective. You can find her on Instagram @rainydaypoetess
