The Peter Pan Syndrome Epidemic — Why Modern Men Are Lost in Never Never Land
Peter Pan Syndrome is a term used to describe men who struggle with the realities of what it means to grow up. Dr. Dan Kiley first coined this term in the early 1980s when he wrote The Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up (Kiley, Dan. 1983). His book pinpoints and analyzes the causes and symptoms of Peter Pan Syndrome, a condition that Dr. Kiley describes as a psychological and emotional state caused by environmental factors that mainly stem from a male child’s parental and socio-economic environment as he grows into an adult.
Fathers have a key role in their son’s growth and development as boys seek guidance and discipline from their fathers to navigate boundaries and learn appropriate emotional and social behavior. If a father is cold, aloof, and disconnected from his son, trust fails to develop. A boy will then turn to his mother who will either overly coddle her son hindering his ability to fully develop the disciplined mindset necessary for his growth and allow his immature behaviors to persist, or she will become frustrated with his drive for independence and risk and leave him to fend for himself before he is ready.
From his observational research as a psychologist, Dr. Kiley claims that boys who grow up in middle to upper-middle-class families with parents who have a strained marriage involving resentment and blame are more likely to develop Peter Pan Syndrome. Often these parents will remain in an unhealthy and disconnected relationship due to social or familial pressures and keep up appearances outside the home. To cope with this dysfunction, a mother will overcompensate in the domestic environment and rely on her son, particularly the eldest son, for emotional support, while a father will use his son as the go-between to avoid conflict in his marriage. This marital dynamic creates a child who feels burdened by his mother’s emotional state and in a perpetual cycle of wanting to please his father.
Modern-day expectations, increased divorce rates, single-parent households, the pressure to maintain two-income families, and the abandonment of masculine rites of passage are also contributing to the growing Peter Pan Syndrome epidemic affecting countless boys as they grow into men from their twenties into their thirties, forties, and beyond. It affects how they interact in the workplace, their relationships, and as members of their communities. It affects how we perceive men and their role in our society.
Women have taken on new roles and have increased their financial independence and personal power. This puts women in a more masculine role that can be perceived as threatening to many men who still seek a submissive and feminine woman who needs them. A side-effect of women’s liberation is an attempt to feminize boys and expect the same behavior from them as we do girls. I see this all too often in the daycare system in which I work.
Women have essentially created an environment by which men are expected to play by their rules instead of allowing men to work from their innate masculine impulses and embracing a balance of power between the sexes. This causes boys to remain in a child-like arrested development where they become lost boys in a societally conditioned never-never land. This is not to say that men cannot possess more feminine traits or that all men who emulate stronger stereotypical feminine traits are immature and refuse to become functional adults. In fact, it seems that men and boys who possess stronger masculine traits are more susceptible to developing Peter Pan traits both emotionally and behaviorally due to the pressures to conform to unrealistic expectations and environments that demonize masculinity. In turn, men are becoming increasingly unsatisfied with their lives and women are remaining single or in a constant sex role conflict with the men they are in relationships with.
How can we ensure that boys are getting their emotional and psychological needs met so that they can grow into healthy and responsible adults and create a healthy playing field for both their well-being and the relationships they have with women?
The Abandonment of The Male Rite of Passage
From the dawn of time, adolescent boys have participated in a rite of passage to manhood. Boys participated in ceremonies, hunting expeditions, and in some cultures, tests whereby they were left to fend for themselves in the wilderness only to emerge as capable survivalists primed for manhood. Men are innately drawn to challenge and adventure and long to be a part of a tribe of other men who can offer them the guidance and discipline that is required to become worthy of leading and protecting nations, communities, and their families. Many of these traditions have been replaced over the centuries and decades with vocational trades that fathers passed down to their sons, military service, Boy Scouts, father and son fishing and hunting trips, disciplines in sport, and men’s organizations and societies.
At some point, male comradery began to wane as men replaced social activities that encouraged their growth and development with television, namely the passive watching of sportscasts and gaming. To remove boys and men from a socially responsible role that they depended on to better understand their nature and duty, the fallout was inevitable.
Men deal in what is tangible and tactile to make sense of the world they live in. They are drawn to tasks of duty whether it be volunteer groups, work commitments, men’s groups, or ceremonial rites of passage. They are lost in the confines of domesticated life dominated by feminine rules and expectations that are largely bound by ideas, feelings, and emotions, an environment where most women thrive. Even a modern intellectual man possesses the impulse for physical or mental competition in a tactile environment such as participating in a game of chess or a sport of his choosing, if not in a hobby that requires honing a skill over time. Men who are happy to be in the company of women more so than other men, still seek out masculine interests to feed their inherent drive to interact with the physical environment. I have witnessed this with an array of male friends. They will sit with you for hours and talk about their feelings, but a racing magazine sits on their desk or a woodworking project is halfway complete in their garage. Despite their interest in your thoughts, they would much rather talk about things and ideas than their feelings.
If boys are going to become men, they must walk through a rite of passage to know what they need to do to become men or they sacrifice themselves to a permanent state of boyhood and the misery and loneliness that will eventually devour them as they age.
The “He’s a Narcissist” Narrative
Dr. Kiley observed evidence that men who suffer from Peter Pan Syndrome do develop narcissistic traits. When a boy feels neglected emotionally, he will learn to become indifferent to cope with a history of disappointment and self-perceived inadequacy. This can cause a man to withdraw from any relationship that requires him to dig deep and practice self-awareness to protect his hidden vulnerability. He is essentially unaware that becoming more vulnerable will help him, not hinder him, but his experiences have taught him that opening himself up only invites rejection and pain.
To make sense of men who struggle with personal responsibility and accountability, women automatically label them as narcissists and immediately go into critical attack mode. This only causes these men to further lock themselves in.
I am not condoning that women tolerate being in a relationship with a man who cannot be accountable for his actions and behaves in a way that hinders the health of a relationship and individual well-being, but we are quick to assume that all men who struggle with making sense of their feelings and emotions are narcissists and we are ill-equipped to support men who do suffer from this psychological condition.
Men are just as complex as women. They just approach life differently in general due to both inherent instincts and societal expectations. We cannot expect men to process their emotions in the same manner as we do. When women are vulnerable, they spill over. When men are vulnerable, they build shields around their hearts.
It is pertinent that women understand that men are not women. It is that simple. Our expectations must come from a place of realistic acceptance. We cannot fantasize that a man is going to suddenly divulge his heart and soul to us without first creating a safe environment of trust and respect for them. This is especially true for men who have Peter Pan Syndrome. They have not experienced an environment growing up that was based on trust and healthy communication. They are navigating new territory when they are expected to communicate their feelings and cope with their emotions maturely and constructively while resisting the urge to fight or flee.
It is possible to support a man in healing his coping mechanisms through therapy, counseling, and patience, but he must want to heal himself. You cannot force a man to see the way to his self-actualization. It must be a combination of your trust and his ability to seek out healthy male role models who can get him on the right track.
The Emergence of the Men’s Life Coach
There has been a major emergence of male life coaches all over social media. I believe this is a call to heal the increasing epidemic of Peter Pan Syndrome. Men are seeking guidance and reassurance that they are not flawed and simply struggling with modern-day expectations and perspectives. Men’s life coaches help boys and men navigate the male brain and heart so that they can reclaim their masculinity healthily and productively. This allows men to step into their power in a mature and disciplined manner so that they can learn to communicate with women and participate fully in their communities. It is a valuable toolkit for men who are seeking what they did not receive as boys. Many men’s coaches offer one-on-one counseling while others hold retreats where men can participate in a safe environment with other supportive men to express the challenges they are facing and enjoy the comradery and friendship that develops as a result.
The onset of social media and the loss of our community life have increased our sense of loneliness and isolation from our peers. Women are innately social creatures. We find connectedness in everyday outings, through our children’s social activities and school environments, and the workplace, whereas men need a common interest or productive environment to express themselves freely. This becomes increasingly difficult with work demands, financial pressures, and modern conveniences and complacency. Men need spaces to interact without the expectations of women in their social environments. Women need to accept the fact that men need male-only environments without taking it personally. It shows men we support them and understand their needs. It also allows men the breathing space to be present in their relationships.
Sex Role Conflict
There isn’t anything wrong with being an independent woman, but women must understand that men need to feel needed and have an innate drive to protect. Attacking and criticizing men for their inherently masculine traits is only going to drive you away from them. As women, I think we want what is masculine, but we want a healthy balance of it so that we can be feminine and vulnerable with men.
As human beings, we all want trust and respect. A man needs to know you are going to treat him well and not try to overshadow him by taking over his masculine role. That does not mean being a doormat or fawning over his every move. It also means you can continue to be strong, confident, and opinionated without a man feeling the need to retreat or run.
A woman will submit to a man if she feels safe. This means something different than submitting to being treated poorly or as an inferior individual. Submission should feel safe and warm. You should feel respected and honored by a man, but just as you expect a man to be accountable and mature, you must be as well. A man confident in his masculinity will cultivate a relationship of trust.
Men with Peter Pan Syndrome do not trust themselves, so it is difficult for them to develop trust in a relationship. They see their female partners as the critical and overly emotional mother figure that their parents’ marital environment taught them as children. The only way to change their mindset is to change the relationship dynamic, often with the support of outside professionals and healers. Most women default to the Wendy Syndrome, either men are not good enough or we need to fix them by mothering them. This is a counterproductive solution. They will only continue behaving as they always have to your ultimate frustration and enslavement.
Men who struggle with the development of mature behaviors and emotions need to be accountable for their actions. Women can support this by creating healthy boundaries and focusing on their own self-development and emotional well-being. It takes a confident and understanding woman to remain in a relationship with a Peter Pan. She is a woman who is unwilling to sacrifice her dignity to love such a man. She must stand on her own and act from a place of integrity and self-preservation. Self-care is key in this equation and a clear understanding of autonomy. When a woman shows a man that she respects herself, he will value her in return and hopefully embark on a journey of healing himself to keep her in his life.
Male Influences in Pop Culture
Men must be mindful of the energy they are creating around them. There is a barrage of information and messaging online that tells men who to be. Men must develop the confidence to walk their own path and heed the advice of those who act compassionately and pragmatically.
Connecting with healthy male role models is key to learning how to behave maturely and authentically. Men must prioritize their values. Sex, money, and material wealth are fleeting. They might make you feel powerful and confident, but they are temporary fixes that will not fundamentally improve your mind, body, and soul. Seeking genuine connection and sound advice is the only way to free yourself from the pending misery that is an old man trapped in a boy’s conscience. I like the intentions of male role models such as Jordon Peterson, Jay Shetty, and Dr. John Delony. I am sure there are others.
Be cautious of materialistic influencers like Andrew Tate and dating coaches who mainly focus on women’s insecurities. They might give you some tips from time to time on how to improve your game or finances, but they will not help you cultivate loving and connected relationships with your intimate partners, family members, and cohorts. Also, refrain from porn. I know this is difficult for many men and women, but it is only going to promote unrealistic expectations and turn most women off emotionally and spiritually. Learn to redirect your sexual energy into physical activity, adventure, and community responsibility. These are the places where you will harness your ability to create deeper connections that lead to a more fulfilling sex life. Develop your character and you will create a boundless capacity for intimacy.
This blog post is for all the men I love and the women I see suffering in our modern world of convenience, comparison, and temporary dopamine hits. We all deserve emotionally safe and deeply connected relationships. This is the only way we are going to ensure our children grow up healthy and productive. It’s how we create a better world for future generations. I know the world seems like a dark place but have faith that we are capable of a lot more than we allow ourselves to experience.
S. Angell is a published poet, writer, philosopher, video blogger, and preschool teacher by day. She explores an array of topics including love, life, death, history, and society from a philosophical perspective. You can find her on Instagram @therainydaypoetess
