Why I Ran Out of Things to Say
I was going to write a Christmas post but ran out of things to say. This year has been challenging. I am burned out on social media, politics, current events, and life. I have a feeling a lot of people can relate.
I attended a Christmas work party last Friday and could barely hold a conversation. It isn’t like me to sit in a corner and observe the action. I am more likely to mingle and work the room. I wonder if this is temporary or a change in perspective as I age. I am unsure if my attention to small talk is waning or whether the other people around me have lost the capacity to engage in stimulating conversation. Whatever it is, I trust my impulse to stay quiet and accept my place among the wallflowers.
I once had a dream about Chris Cornell. He was sitting in this white room with large, bright windows. A large group of people were in the distance, chatting and laughing. I stood on the outside of the circle of animated bodies and watched. I could hear Chris call my name behind me, “Sarah, listen and observe. You don’t need to be part of the crowd.” I felt at peace after he spoke. I was relieved I didn’t have to participate in the noise to have a voice. I could speak less and observe more.
The year has tested my soul. I have had hard conversations and made deep revelations about my relationships and the direction my life is headed. Part of it might be that I am now in my mid-forties and beginning to plan for the next phase of my life. My priorities are also changing, and my needs are aching to be met. I have been feeling out of alignment for months. A rebirth is on the horizon, both personally and universally.
I began several projects and creative endeavors this year that are currently on hold for the holidays. The quiet Christmas I stepped into was a welcome break from the hustle, but my drive to be productive and witness the results of my hard work has been temporarily paused. I was unprepared. I am now cleaning cupboards, closets, and drawers to prepare for the new year. I may be preparing for more hard work ahead and must get my house in order before I am too busy to sift through the piles of receipts I keep in my file tray or clean out my kitchen cabinets. My cousin told me once that I was a machine. She’s probably right. I plan, and I do. Sometimes it’s premeditated, and sometimes it’s subconsciously automatic.
I want to spend the new year developing deeper relationships, traveling more, and spending more time with my family. I want to see and experience more, even if it occurs while appreciating less.
I hope we continue to improve as individuals, communities, and nations in the coming year, learn to rise above our differences, and understand our true purpose on earth. We all need less noise and a return to the basics — family, community, and love.
Merry Christmas, everyone, and a prosperous New Year!
S. Angell is a published poet, writer, philosopher, video blogger, and preschool teacher by day. She explores various topics, including love, life, death, history, and society, from a philosophical perspective. You can find her on Instagram @therainydaypoetess or TheRainyDayPoet.com
