Decoding Women for Men
Solving the Modern Day Relationship Crisis
You don’t have to be perfect to love a woman. You don’t have to always be strong and have everything figured out. You don’t have to have a six-figure income, a house, and a brand-new car, or a truck that growls when you pull out of the driveway. You don’t have to have a six pack, a white-collar job, or a big fat dick. Good women, emotionally mature women could care less about any of this.
We want a man who shows up, holds space for us, and leads with integrity. If you struggle with these things but are trying, we will be patient, if we think you are the man for us. That’s it. Women need to feel safe, protected, and loved. That is innate in us. Women need two things in a relationship: trust and safety. You can have a blue-collar job, a used car, and a modest apartment. If you are working on your growth and doing things that are healthy for you, it shows a woman that you care about yourself. If you care about your wellbeing, you will care about her wellbeing.
I get it. Women are complicated and sometimes downright annoying. I know. I keep my girlfriend circle small because of this reason. Women are emotionally intuitive and love to talk about their feelings. We are empathetic and love to take care of people. There are exceptions, of course, but caregiving is ingrained in us. We must be emotionally available and attentive to care for children, so often we also default to these behaviors with men. If a man cannot confidently lead and protect a woman, her reaction is to compensate, as women are also resource givers. Men can find this behavior stifling at times. We don’t want to suffocate you. Our intention is to love you fully, and we love by giving.
We spend a lot of time in our society trying to decode men. It seems to be driven by the feminine-centric era we are living in — technology seems to have taken on a female energy. Relationships have become more complex as we expand our social environment via social media and decrease our gender specific spaces. I’ve written about the importance of men’s spaces in The Peter Pan Syndrome Epidemic — Why Modern Men Are Lost in Never Never Land and The Life of Loney Men. Women need female spaces as well. Yes, we are social by nature and often place significant importance on our female friendships, but many women have lost their community spaces due to the increased demands on our time. We used to have a community of women we would rely on for companionship and advice. This offset our need to rely on men so heavily for emotional support. I probably have five girlfriends that I can rely on for consistent friendship. Some women have more. But these women have various commitments outside of our friendship and many of them have children, demanding careers, or live in another city or country.
Women used to live in the same community and bonded with each other as they raised their children at home. The community landscape has changed both for men and women, and it is unlikely that it will ever go back to being what it once was. We must adjust and figure out how men and women can work together to create balance in this new territory or the stress and disconnection will continue to descend into chaos. The divorce rates are astronomical for a reason, and the rate of adults living alone has increased exponentially. Sure, we could all start a commune and hope for the best, but the reality is, that’s not feasible for everyone. The answer is we need to understand each other not from the perspective of the past, but as we are in the present.
So, let’s go on a journey to decode women. I’ve already explained what women need and what they want and it’s not Andrew Tate or some billionaire who owns a yacht with a big dick. Leave those guys for the princesses who think a man’s going to save them. Now, let’s be clear, if you are a man with a yacht and a big dick and you have a well-developed character and all the above, that’s fine. Choose a woman who’s going to challenge you in the right way and keeps your feet on the ground. We all deserve love and understanding. I’m talking to the guys who don’t fall into that narrow category and the women who think they can’t find a good man.
Women are busy.
Women have taken on too much. We are now expected to have a full-time career, raise children, manage our households, and be the executive assistant of our families. On top of that we have societal pressures to look young forever and maintain a perfectly groomed and svelte figure. We are also at times, in a relationship with an overworked man who is struggling to maintain a life outside of his domestic responsibilities and pressured to subdue his masculinity. This contributes to both burnout and an unrealistic expectation to hold men’s emotional turbulence. This is precisely why many women are choosing to be single longer or indefinitely.
Women need men who can manage their emotions.
Women fear men. I don’t care what a woman says when she’s trying to be resilient and tough. When a man is angry, a woman is terrified. Men need to seek outlets to deal with their anger and frustration outside of their relationship with a woman. Woman do not express themselves through anger, unless they are carrying deep trauma. Most women cry when they feel frustrated or stressed. When a man is angry, all we see is a threat to our safety. What you feel and what a woman sees are two different things. To make a woman feel safe, you must manage your anger. This also goes when you have children. Anger traumatizes children for life.
Women want men who communicate.
Clear and intentional communication is important if a man expects to have a healthy relationship with a woman. This does not mean you have to spend hours talking about your feelings or discussing things every day. I honestly can’t stand guys who talk a lot. Some women like it, but I guarantee you, most women don’t. I prefer quiet, introspective men who talk a bit, but know when to enjoy the silence. I might talk a lot when I’m with a girlfriend I only see once per month or when I have something to rant about on social media, but when I’m at home doing my thing, I like my living space quiet and peaceful.
Clear and intentional communication means being clear about what you think about things when you are asked, setting boundaries in a mindful and respectful manner, and not leaving women hanging for days when you feel overwhelmed. Forty-eight hours should be enough time for a man to process his thoughts and feelings. If it’s taking you longer to reconnect with a woman, it might be time to seek advice from a trusted friend or mentor.
Never leave women hanging.
Unless a woman is unbearably insane, which is rare, never leave a women hanging if she is trying to communicate, even if you are not that into her. I know guys, you want to believe all women are insane, but chances are if you think this, you likely have a lot of work to do in the emotional development department and probably shouldn’t be messing with women period. If you expect to have a fulfilling relationship with a woman, you must learn to hold space for her feelings, not take what she says personally, allow her to talk, and be firm and transparent with your boundaries when you are feeling overwhelmed. I know it strokes some men’s egos to have a lineup of women that they string along just in case, but all you are doing is degrading your worth and showing women that you can’t make firm decisions. When you exit without being upfront, you are treating people like garbage and showing women your weakness. Some women will act with grace in this situation and just move on, but most women think you’re an emotional mess and will be cautious if you return. You will lose trust with a woman if you leave her hanging, and don’t think this behavior is limited to just women you are not that into. You will do this with all women when you are challenged.
Criticism and women.
A mature, educated woman knows men fear criticism. Fear of criticism is deeply ingrained in some men due to the nature of their relationship with their fathers. Father’s, especially old school dad’s, were raised to be hard on their sons. This is more common in some cultures than others. Sons want to please their fathers. They want to feel like they live up to their father’s expectations. If a woman is asking for something that a man is not prepared to give, this can trigger feelings of inadequacy that drive deep into a man’s psyche to when he was a boy trying to impress his father. Men must understand that when a woman asks for something she is expecting you to communicate your needs and stand firm in your boundaries in a respectful and empathetic manner. Her intention is not to criticize you. Criticism is not a request or someone expressing their needs. If you are being criticized, it is in the form of verbal abuse. There is a big difference. If you are being criticized by your partner, seek counselling to try to get to the route of the problem. Most couples resort to name-calling when someone’s needs have not been heard repeatedly. This goes back to a failure to communicate effectively in the first place and set boundaries in a respectful manner. Chances are that most of the time, a woman is not criticizing you. She likely has asked something of you or needed to be heard in some way, and you neglected to remain present for her, so now she’s upset. A women will tell you calmly about a problem three times before she gets upset. Some women get angry, some go silent.
Emotions and women.
Some men are okay supporting a woman’s emotions. These are men who typically have deeply connected relationships with their mothers that are built on trust and where emotional regulation was demonstrated a child. When a man grows up with a mother who fails to regulate her emotions, he will fear the emotions of his female partner. The problem is most women feel deep emotion. This might vary from woman to woman, but if you seek deep emotional connection with a woman, you likely are going to be unsatisfied with a woman who is less emotional. You might even feel like you are in a relationship with a man. I know enough men to know that many men are unhappy being in relationships with women who are aloof or cold. They might seem less intimidating at first, but you will be lonely in the long term.
Women who experience deep emotion provide nuance and adventure to a relationship. They will help a man heal parts of himself, provide friendship, and create a loving and connected home life. When I speak of a deeply emotional woman, I do not mean an emotionally unregulated woman, although women are more open to therapy and self-reflection, so even an emotionally unregulated woman can learn how to regulate quite rapidly with the right support. I mean a woman who applies deep meaning in everyday life and seeks genuine connection that goes beyond superficial boundaries. Deeply emotional women are spiritually connected women. They are seers and wisdom keepers. They provide a place for men to rest and recharge, balancing their overcharged testosterone levels when they are stressed or frustrated. When a woman cries or needs to discuss her feelings, try to refrain from turning into Mr. Fix-it. Women can fix themselves. They just want you to listen and reassure. Nod, say it will be okay, and give her a hug. If that isn’t enough, set your boundaries, give her space to think, or suggest support outside of your relationship as it could be something she needs to address with a trusted girlfriend.
Sex and women.
Women who love men, love a man’s touch. We want a confident and strong man to bed us. You don’t have to know all the right moves or have a perfect body. We need a man who makes us feel safe through mutual trust. If you want a satisfying sexual relationship with a woman, you must put effort into your emotional connection with her. If it’s a one-night stand, be a man of character — make her laugh, enjoy her company, and leave the encounter with respect and care. If it’s a longer-term commitment, prioritize dates, mutually enjoyable activities, and foreplay. Women are not hopping into bed with you to get off, they are seeking an emotional connection. Respect and care must always be prioritized. Also, refrain from online sex. It’s emotionless and degrades both men and women.
Worthy women do not want the elusive mystery man.
You don’t have to be cool and elusive to attract a woman. In fact, playing hard to get is obnoxious and douchie. All you are saying to women is that you are insecure and arrogant. Be yourself. Act with integrity. Show women you respect their time and effort. If a woman likes you, she sees something in you beyond what it on the surface. Women don’t waste their time on empty men, young girls do. If you think being unattainable makes you more of a catch, you are wrong. All it does is eventually narrow you playing field until you find yourself in a relationship with a temporary fantasy and she will almost always fall short of your expectations. Relationships require both men and women to open up and become vulnerable to scrutiny. I can tell you from my observational experience, every man I know who narrowed their options and ended up with a fantasy girl is either single and lonely or on their second marriage with the woman they closed themselves off from in the beginning. Women are also making the same mistake. They are holding out for some healed, perfect man. It just doesn’t exist.
Women make relationship decisions based on fear far more than men.
Women will often enter relationships for the wrong reasons, especially when they are young. They will sometimes choose a sense of safety and security over deep connection if they are seeking stability to temper a chaotic life or during times of transition and change. Be wary of women who seek this type of relationship. I don’t mean be wary of the woman, just her intentions with your relationship. If she is entering into a relationship with you that is moving too quickly, she is getting involved with you for the wrong reasons. It is your responsibility to put the breaks on and provide the space and time to slow down and get to know each other. I say this because men will fall for women hard and want to act like a knight in shining armor. Women will allow a man to take over if she is vulnerable without thinking of the long-term consequences. If she’s living with you after a month of meeting or you’re getting married too quickly, it is probably time to slow down. Both men and women need time to step into a relationship, even if you have known each other for years as friends or haven’t talked in years. People change and priorities change as time goes by. A worthy relationship is developed over time.
Women want men who are motivated.
Men need purpose. They need a vision. The best way to align yourself with the right woman is to work on your own self-development. Figure out what you want and how you are going to attain it. Not all men want the same thing. Yes, I think it’s good for men to have children. Children give men a purpose. But not all men want children. If a man contributes to his community and finds something rewarding to do with his time, he will likely be content without children. A man does need a partner, and maybe some pets. A man needs some semblance of a family to support and protect or he ends up a lost boy in neverland. Some men think they are fine single and playing the field. It might work for you for a while, but after forty, you’ll feel the loneliness. The playboy life or the isolated gamer guy will get depressing as you age.
Women need to step into their femininity.
Women need to allow men to be masculine and protective. You don’t have to hold the world on your shoulders and fight for your independence. Allow men to love you and care for you. Let them do chivalrous things for you and romance you. Men will amaze you if you embrace their masculinity. Open your heart and allow yourself to be vulnerable with men, even if some of them break your heart. It’s all a learning experience. I can’t think if a single man I have had a relationship with that has not taught me something valuable about myself or humanity. We are each others’ mirrors.
S. Angell is a published poet, writer, philosopher, and video blogger. She explores various topics, including love, life, death, history, and society from a philosophical perspective. You can find her on Instagram @rainydaypoetess
